Tuesday, July 7, 2009
tears running down my face right now.......i just knew that i could not take the pressure one day .......
this post is quite personal to me so i will be glad if your do not comment so much on this .....
i just don't get it why am i being put into these kind of situation ...
should i do the right thing ?
or should i do things which i see deem fits ???
for example ...
guess many of you know my family is facing lots of financial difficulty ....
my mother decisions is to terminate the maid contract ...
i was so angry when i knew this ..
what the hell do this mean ?
whose going to do all the house work ?
my mother ?
hell she won't ....
she can't even walk properly ...
and she claims that she will do it ...
ya right she will -.- ....
part of me don't want to be independent yet ...
the thought of being independent makes me realise that i have to face reality soon enough...
i think i couldn't bare seeing my maid leave ..
afterall she works here ...
whose going to support her family after she goes back to her country ...
see .....
the correct and moral upright way is to really be independent and just start to do housework ....
but my views is ...
the whole fucking family is so dependent on maids ...
who is going to teach us how to do housework ?
everyone will be damm tired after we come back from school ....
if i have the days when i have study finish ( i doubt not )
i will be dead beat ...................
how to even do housework ?
another example would be my allowance ...
i understand what is going on in my family ...
i told my parents to cut down to my allowance to $100 a month ...
that is less then 3 dollar a day ..
i guess they just don't understand what i am going through right now .....
not only i have to care for such stuffs ...
my Olevels is another thing to matter ...
god !!!!!!
i been studying real real hard this week ....
i so so so wants to succeed !!!
to get myself out of the life that i am going through ..
i don't think i will let anyone of my kids go through the same thing
but i just can't seem to drill everything into my idiot brain ....
in school ...
i feel the happiest !...
i seriously can forget everything which is happening at home when i step into the school compound....
why ?
cause my friends are there ....
although they do not know / or even understand what pain i am going through now ...
it allows me to really forget every single shit things that has happen to me ...
thanks guys i really appreciate it ....
maybe sometimes i would sms you guys out of the blue .. .
but i really need to sometimes '' forget what is happening at home''
that is why i would wish to go out and have fun on the weekends
its different when i step into my home ..
to start off with ...
its not even a home ....
no love can be felt ...
all animosity/hatred/revenge that is what i am feeling ....
when i stepped into the house ....
thoughts of handling the problems come back and haunt me again ....
sometime i do wonder whether or not i am retarded enough to let it haunt me ...
but the fact is that its unstoppable ...
no matter how hard i tried ...
i still cry to sleep every night ...
and everyday i wake up ..
i pray that nothing will go wrong ...
god said that he won't let me handle things which i can't handle ..
and i wonder whether is it true ..
millions and millions of things are rushing through my head right now .........
thoughts of persevering.... thoughts of running away ... thoughts of even suicide is coming upon me ...
am i too soft-hearted to this world ?
or rather should i say ...
am i too weak for this world ...
madam chan said that evolution is the survival of the fittest .....
and i don't think evolution would take place in my body ....
i will be the first one to be kicked out !!!!!!
anyway it still all boils down to my decisions on the problems that i am facing ...
whether or not should i make the right decisions or follow my heart ....
guess nobody can understand me
love
sze lings :)
thanks for not commenting too much on this
Labels: it still haunts me